I met my younger self for a coffee

She came in boldly, sat down quickly and looked around in her bag for her tripod because the act of simply going for a coffee must be captured on film.

I came in confidently and sat down calmly with no phone in hand but a notebook instead.

We ordered the same, a decaf latte with coconut milk. Some things never change.

She spoke a lot, a lot more than I do now and I listened deeply and intently, observing, wondering why she couldn’t sit still. She was in the room with me but I couldn’t tell if she was present.

She seemed to fill the silence, where as I enjoyed it.

She looked skinny, she looked tired yet her energy was the opposite. She was motivated, driven and resilient the same as always and the same as now but she seemed to be burnt out, not so much physically but mentally. Almost as if she hadn’t rested for months, which I now know she had not.

When questioned as to why she wouldn’t stop, wouldn’t rest she took offence, as though I was trying to interfere with her goals, her growth. Little did she know I just wanted what was best for her.

She asked me how I was so calm, doing what I was doing, which is a completely different life to what she was living, she wondered how i was satisfied, fulfilled or happy even.

She told me I seemed content, well rested and peaceful. She couldn’t understand why I moved on, away from the life I was living them years ago, away from the people, away from the noise.

So I told her, to the best of my ability I explained, knowing that she wasn’t at a stage to understand it. I explained that the noise never created joy, it created overwhelm, a distraction, many distractions. These distractions did more harm to her goals, to her growth then those questions ever would. I explained why I like the silence now, I enjoy my time away from rooms full of people I only knew on the surface, from things that came from a materialistic desire, from a need to be seen and known.

All she wanted to do was to be seen and known, but by people who held no value in the long term, by anyone and everyone. I told her that it’s not a bad thing to be seen, especially by the people you care for, the people you love and to be known is important when you are being known for things of importance.

I stated that I believe I will be known, but for changing lives not changing into gym clothes for a brand I don't care about to post online because I got the clothes for free.

She told me she was proud of what she was doing and who she was and I agreed, I was proud of her too and at that moment in time she was doing what made her happy and that’s all that matters, I just considered if it was really making her happy, away from the social media, was she really happy.

Little did she know, she wasn’t. However she seemed hopeful, she’d been through a lot, done a lot, met a lot of people and tried a lot of things but honestly what made her hopeful was herself, her soul. She knew she was destined for more she just hadn’t found that yet, thinking of me gave her hope.

Honestly thinking of her gives me hope too, that she stood so tall when she’d felt so low, spoke so boldly when she was fighting the noise in her head, she was unapologetically her, regardless of what was going on and that reminded me to never stop being unapologetically me.

Sitting opposite her made me see how much i’ve grown mentally and physically, I read, she didn’t, I meditate, she didn’t, I love my own company, she filled her time with people, I rarely get drunk, she had blackouts, I hug my mum everyday, she was hardly ever home.

I love her for who she was because her being her crazy self got me here, the crazy side still comes out, in a more mindful manner. I love both of us but I’m unexplainably grateful for the fact that we got here.

She told me she had to go because she was meeting someone and I said goodbye and stay sat there, I let the time pass, I wrote about meeting her and here we are, at peace with the past.

Sending love,

K.